Should I Tell My Spouse?

When it comes to the problem of letting the secret out, I am convinced that every case is different and therefore there is no universal rule.  I have seen where a woman told her husband that she had an affair and he refused to believe her.  One person will keep his/her affair a secret, while another confesses.

Sometimes when a person confesses to the spouse, it is the beginning of a long journey into forgiveness and trust.  Other times it spells the end of a marriage.

I used to believe that confessing to the other is the only right thing to do; but that all changed when I heard an actor in a movie say, "I used to carry the guilt and heaviness of my affair until I told my wife.  When I told her I took a heavy load off my shoulders; but I put that load on her."

That one speech changed my mind about the importance of being transparent and helped me to see that maybe there are cases when it would be wisest to keep an old affair under wraps.

Unfortunately, I don't think there is a rule of when it is best to keep it a secret and when it is best to confess.  But there are some general rules that are important for those who do confess.

Ask forgiveness - don't demand forgiveness.

Don't turn it on the other person and say things like, "You didn't meet my needs." And, "You weren't there for me."  An affair is inexcusable and you should take full responsibility.  Humility and accepting responsibility goes a long way in rebuilding trust and love.

Be Patient - It takes time for your spouse to heal.  It take a lot of time for your spouse to trust you again.

Be thankful - If your spouse still keeps you.

There are, I suppose, a lot of other helpful clues to rebuilding trust and love in a broken marriage, and there are probably a lot of books that could help you in this area, written by people with much more experience than I.  But I give you the beginning - the start of rebuilding a relationship.

The main thing is this - get out of your personal survival / self protection mode and think about spouse that is hurting.  I don't say this to put you down - we all get in the survival / self-protection mode, especially during intense times.  It is during these intense times that we need to be especially aware of others in our life.