One of the most difficult concepts to grasp is the fact that God can use your past mistakes for a greater good.
A quick overview of the Bible shows us that it is not guaranteed, but it can happen. When Reuben slept with his step mom, he tried the rest of his life to undo what he did; but in the end he failed to redeem himself to his father. The only good that came out of his affair is the lesson and warning to all of us who read about him. Reuben's mistake tells us to avoid acting out in anger, to avoid taking revenge, and to think about repercussions of our actions. However, for Reuben, there was no great work of God working his mistake into something good.
However, King David is a different story. After committing adultery and murder and after being disciplined, he and the woman with whom he had an affair had a second child who was "loved by God," and who became the next king of Israel - King Solomon. No kidding, when Solomon was born, the prophet Nathan came to David and said, "This child is loved by God." I think those words were for David and Bathsheba's healing.
I think this story can be an encouragement to those who have fallen into adultery. God doesn't leave you alone, he does care and can rebuild your life.
Wednesday, June 10, 2015
Monday, June 8, 2015
Why Do We Have Affairs with Other People?
When Reuben had sex with his step mother, there were a lot of issues he was dealing with before he took the steps to the affair. His father had betrayed him by giving his position to someone else (Joseph).
When David had his affair, it was not due to someone hurting him (at least, we don't know of anyone); but rather David was used to war and killing. The Bible does not speak of his daily rituals as a warrior; and we automatically assume that he was a nice guy and a moral man; but he was a warrior who killed on a regular basis. We assume that because he was in the Bible and mentioned as a hero of the faith that he acted like a saint in all matters of war; but this is an assumption that is misplaced.
When King David had his affair, he was a man who used to getting what he wanted, when he wanted. He was a celebrity war hero who was used to killing and used to plundering this conquered. To put it simply, most likely David felt entitled. There are many who feel entitled to having affairs and easily step into affairs because they feel they are entitled to having sex with someone else. I suppose there is a bit of entitlement in most affairs.
When Amnon took his father's kingdom and then publicly slept with his father's live in Concubines, he was showing his hatred for his father who never disciplined him. This lack of discipline betrays a lack of attention given the boy as he grew up. His father was off fighting wars while Amnon grew up. Raping step mom in today's world is rare, but was mentioned on two different occasions in the Bible. In both cases the rapers were lashing out against their fathers.
In today's world many spouses lash out against the lack of attention or injustices they have at home. These spouse use affairs as a tool of their anger. These people feel entitled to sleep with someone else because their spouse has hurt them in one way or another.
There are those people who are hardened to their moral compass and have convinced themselves that as long as their partners don't know anything, there is no harm done. It is only after beginning the affair that some of this group begin to have concerns about the ramifications of what they did (which include the spouse discovering, accusing or suspecting something is going on or discovering that the person they cheat with is psycho, won't let go, etc.).
If you have had an illicit affair, or are in one, or just want to have an affair with someone other than your spouse, you may ask yourself, "Why?" Do you feel entitled? Are you lashing out? Are you angry at your spouse? These are issues that need to be addressed, even if you are able to keep your clothes on.
When David had his affair, it was not due to someone hurting him (at least, we don't know of anyone); but rather David was used to war and killing. The Bible does not speak of his daily rituals as a warrior; and we automatically assume that he was a nice guy and a moral man; but he was a warrior who killed on a regular basis. We assume that because he was in the Bible and mentioned as a hero of the faith that he acted like a saint in all matters of war; but this is an assumption that is misplaced.
When King David had his affair, he was a man who used to getting what he wanted, when he wanted. He was a celebrity war hero who was used to killing and used to plundering this conquered. To put it simply, most likely David felt entitled. There are many who feel entitled to having affairs and easily step into affairs because they feel they are entitled to having sex with someone else. I suppose there is a bit of entitlement in most affairs.
When Amnon took his father's kingdom and then publicly slept with his father's live in Concubines, he was showing his hatred for his father who never disciplined him. This lack of discipline betrays a lack of attention given the boy as he grew up. His father was off fighting wars while Amnon grew up. Raping step mom in today's world is rare, but was mentioned on two different occasions in the Bible. In both cases the rapers were lashing out against their fathers.
In today's world many spouses lash out against the lack of attention or injustices they have at home. These spouse use affairs as a tool of their anger. These people feel entitled to sleep with someone else because their spouse has hurt them in one way or another.
There are those people who are hardened to their moral compass and have convinced themselves that as long as their partners don't know anything, there is no harm done. It is only after beginning the affair that some of this group begin to have concerns about the ramifications of what they did (which include the spouse discovering, accusing or suspecting something is going on or discovering that the person they cheat with is psycho, won't let go, etc.).
If you have had an illicit affair, or are in one, or just want to have an affair with someone other than your spouse, you may ask yourself, "Why?" Do you feel entitled? Are you lashing out? Are you angry at your spouse? These are issues that need to be addressed, even if you are able to keep your clothes on.
Saturday, June 6, 2015
Should I Tell My Spouse?
When it comes to the problem of letting the secret out, I am convinced that every case is different and therefore there is no universal rule. I have seen where a woman told her husband that she had an affair and he refused to believe her. One person will keep his/her affair a secret, while another confesses.
Sometimes when a person confesses to the spouse, it is the beginning of a long journey into forgiveness and trust. Other times it spells the end of a marriage.
I used to believe that confessing to the other is the only right thing to do; but that all changed when I heard an actor in a movie say, "I used to carry the guilt and heaviness of my affair until I told my wife. When I told her I took a heavy load off my shoulders; but I put that load on her."
That one speech changed my mind about the importance of being transparent and helped me to see that maybe there are cases when it would be wisest to keep an old affair under wraps.
Unfortunately, I don't think there is a rule of when it is best to keep it a secret and when it is best to confess. But there are some general rules that are important for those who do confess.
Ask forgiveness - don't demand forgiveness.
Don't turn it on the other person and say things like, "You didn't meet my needs." And, "You weren't there for me." An affair is inexcusable and you should take full responsibility. Humility and accepting responsibility goes a long way in rebuilding trust and love.
Be Patient - It takes time for your spouse to heal. It take a lot of time for your spouse to trust you again.
Be thankful - If your spouse still keeps you.
There are, I suppose, a lot of other helpful clues to rebuilding trust and love in a broken marriage, and there are probably a lot of books that could help you in this area, written by people with much more experience than I. But I give you the beginning - the start of rebuilding a relationship.
The main thing is this - get out of your personal survival / self protection mode and think about spouse that is hurting. I don't say this to put you down - we all get in the survival / self-protection mode, especially during intense times. It is during these intense times that we need to be especially aware of others in our life.
Sometimes when a person confesses to the spouse, it is the beginning of a long journey into forgiveness and trust. Other times it spells the end of a marriage.
I used to believe that confessing to the other is the only right thing to do; but that all changed when I heard an actor in a movie say, "I used to carry the guilt and heaviness of my affair until I told my wife. When I told her I took a heavy load off my shoulders; but I put that load on her."
That one speech changed my mind about the importance of being transparent and helped me to see that maybe there are cases when it would be wisest to keep an old affair under wraps.
Unfortunately, I don't think there is a rule of when it is best to keep it a secret and when it is best to confess. But there are some general rules that are important for those who do confess.
Ask forgiveness - don't demand forgiveness.
Don't turn it on the other person and say things like, "You didn't meet my needs." And, "You weren't there for me." An affair is inexcusable and you should take full responsibility. Humility and accepting responsibility goes a long way in rebuilding trust and love.
Be Patient - It takes time for your spouse to heal. It take a lot of time for your spouse to trust you again.
Be thankful - If your spouse still keeps you.
There are, I suppose, a lot of other helpful clues to rebuilding trust and love in a broken marriage, and there are probably a lot of books that could help you in this area, written by people with much more experience than I. But I give you the beginning - the start of rebuilding a relationship.
The main thing is this - get out of your personal survival / self protection mode and think about spouse that is hurting. I don't say this to put you down - we all get in the survival / self-protection mode, especially during intense times. It is during these intense times that we need to be especially aware of others in our life.
Thursday, June 4, 2015
Trapped in an Affair
A lot of people get trapped in affairs. They know they are doing wrong; they want to get out, but just can't get out of it and they feel trapped. Is that you?
There are reasons you got trapped, but more importantly there are reasons you stay stuck. Here are some of them:
1. I can't help myself.
2. I love him.
3. She needs me.
4. I am lonely if I am on my own.
And of course there is the big "I have no idea why I am stuck in this relationship."
In all of these, you will have to fight your own feelings and desires. You will have to let go of the need to make the other partner happy or support them in some way. In other words, walk out of the affair and don't let the questions, the logic, the emotions, the feelings, and anything else that turns you back make you second guess. Build a wall between you and all those feelings that draw you back to that person. You must grow a cold heart to anything that will draw you back. Be cold-hearted. Be hardened. Be fixed on walking away from the relationship entirely. The Bible talks metaphorically about cutting off an arm to save the soul; you must sever your relationship even if it means that the other person suffers, cries, pouts, begs, or threatens suicide.
There are reasons you got trapped, but more importantly there are reasons you stay stuck. Here are some of them:
1. I can't help myself.
2. I love him.
3. She needs me.
4. I am lonely if I am on my own.
And of course there is the big "I have no idea why I am stuck in this relationship."
In all of these, you will have to fight your own feelings and desires. You will have to let go of the need to make the other partner happy or support them in some way. In other words, walk out of the affair and don't let the questions, the logic, the emotions, the feelings, and anything else that turns you back make you second guess. Build a wall between you and all those feelings that draw you back to that person. You must grow a cold heart to anything that will draw you back. Be cold-hearted. Be hardened. Be fixed on walking away from the relationship entirely. The Bible talks metaphorically about cutting off an arm to save the soul; you must sever your relationship even if it means that the other person suffers, cries, pouts, begs, or threatens suicide.
Wednesday, June 3, 2015
Joseph's Story - Unwanted Advances
After some time his master's wife looked longingly at Joseph and said, "Sleep with me." (Genesis 39:7)
Usually when someone feels unwanted attention, it is a woman feeling the creepiness or the undesired advances of some guy who won't see that he is barking up the wrong tree. But occasionally a woman chases after some guy who doesn't want to be pursued. In most of these cases when a woman pursues a man, power is not an issue, so the guy is not threatened. But in the case of Joseph son of Jacob, things were unusual.
A very powerful woman made it no secret that she wanted to have sex with him. The woman was the wife of a very high ranking officer under Pharaoh named "Potiphar;" and saying "no" to her meant a loss of a good job and life in prison because she held all the cards. To be clear he was a forced servant, but his job as a servant was as good as it got.
This scenario is played out in today's world (especially with women) when bosses or someone with clout insists on having sex with one who is trying to advance a career or simply keep a job. Sexual favors are tools the more powerful one uses to reward the less powerful.
While his brother Judah was chasing prostitutes in another world, Joseph was trying to avoid being near the woman who had taken a liking to him. But as in many such cases, there was no way to escape. Every day she threw herself on Joseph and told him to sleep with her; and every day, Joseph tried to stay away from her. But at last Potiphar's wife grabbed hold of Joseph by his coat and Joseph left his coat with her.
No one likes being turned down, and Potiphar's wife did not take rejection well. She told her husband that Joseph tried to rape her and Joseph was put in prison. Eventually even though he was in prison Joseph was able to secure a high position of governmental leadership.
LESSONS
Nobody should have to take unwanted advances from someone else who holds the power strings. Even though you may lose a good job or advancement, rejecting the pursuer is the right thing to do. Notice that Joseph faced jail time because he rejected Potiphar's wife. Things got worse before they got better. Your situation may get worse, but it is worth it in the end to take the step in doing the right thing.
Secondly, Joseph did the only right thing to do not only in unwanted advances, but in the case of affairs that are attractive - get out as soon as you can. Run! Don't try to work it out with your feelings. Don't try to explain it to the other person. Don't sit around and expect that it goes away on its own. Just run. It may not seem like running is the right thing to do, and you may have emotional and rational objections to running away from the temptations and steps toward an affair, but if you find yourself moving at all in that direction, your best shot is to let the relationship go and walk away from it. Don't convince yourself that you have what it takes to hold yourself back from a fall. Get out of there.
Joseph fled. That part of us that is foolish thinks we can handle the journey but we get ourselves tangled up and finally trapped.
1 Corinthians 6:18 says, "Flee fornication." It is simple and to the point ("Fornication" as the Bible uses the word is a general term for any type of sexual behavior outside of marriage).
Usually when someone feels unwanted attention, it is a woman feeling the creepiness or the undesired advances of some guy who won't see that he is barking up the wrong tree. But occasionally a woman chases after some guy who doesn't want to be pursued. In most of these cases when a woman pursues a man, power is not an issue, so the guy is not threatened. But in the case of Joseph son of Jacob, things were unusual.
A very powerful woman made it no secret that she wanted to have sex with him. The woman was the wife of a very high ranking officer under Pharaoh named "Potiphar;" and saying "no" to her meant a loss of a good job and life in prison because she held all the cards. To be clear he was a forced servant, but his job as a servant was as good as it got.
This scenario is played out in today's world (especially with women) when bosses or someone with clout insists on having sex with one who is trying to advance a career or simply keep a job. Sexual favors are tools the more powerful one uses to reward the less powerful.
While his brother Judah was chasing prostitutes in another world, Joseph was trying to avoid being near the woman who had taken a liking to him. But as in many such cases, there was no way to escape. Every day she threw herself on Joseph and told him to sleep with her; and every day, Joseph tried to stay away from her. But at last Potiphar's wife grabbed hold of Joseph by his coat and Joseph left his coat with her.
No one likes being turned down, and Potiphar's wife did not take rejection well. She told her husband that Joseph tried to rape her and Joseph was put in prison. Eventually even though he was in prison Joseph was able to secure a high position of governmental leadership.
LESSONS
Nobody should have to take unwanted advances from someone else who holds the power strings. Even though you may lose a good job or advancement, rejecting the pursuer is the right thing to do. Notice that Joseph faced jail time because he rejected Potiphar's wife. Things got worse before they got better. Your situation may get worse, but it is worth it in the end to take the step in doing the right thing.
Secondly, Joseph did the only right thing to do not only in unwanted advances, but in the case of affairs that are attractive - get out as soon as you can. Run! Don't try to work it out with your feelings. Don't try to explain it to the other person. Don't sit around and expect that it goes away on its own. Just run. It may not seem like running is the right thing to do, and you may have emotional and rational objections to running away from the temptations and steps toward an affair, but if you find yourself moving at all in that direction, your best shot is to let the relationship go and walk away from it. Don't convince yourself that you have what it takes to hold yourself back from a fall. Get out of there.
Joseph fled. That part of us that is foolish thinks we can handle the journey but we get ourselves tangled up and finally trapped.
1 Corinthians 6:18 says, "Flee fornication." It is simple and to the point ("Fornication" as the Bible uses the word is a general term for any type of sexual behavior outside of marriage).
Sunday, May 31, 2015
David's Cover Up
Most of you probably know the story of King David and his affair with Bethsheba.
Contrary to popular belief, Bathsheba was not on her roof taking a bath. Jerusalem had public baths for ritual purity where people went to obey the laws of Moses.
Living in the tallest house in Jerusalem, David was able to look out from the top of his house and see a lot of places, including the bath where women and girls bathed themselves after having their periods. For David, this may have been a form of pornography. David knew where women regularly bathed and on this particular day as night was falling, he saw one who captured his attention.
Of course some religious people prefer to think of heroes like David as being always pure and holy, except of course for a moment of weakness which was completely not like David's norm. David's moment of weakness was very temporary and ended up with another moment of weakness when he had Bathsheba's husband killed to cover up his first moment of weakness. They will think that somehow David happened by accident to look at the place where women took baths - a place that he never realized existed until that one moment.
In this case, it doesn't matter if David had one moment of weakness or if he looked at the bath on a more regular basis. What does matter is that David did give into temptation and did commit adultery with a woman who was married to someone else. Furthermore, to cover up his sin, and to protect his image, he killed her husband.
THE DILEMMA ADULTERY BIRTHS
When Bathsheba got pregnant, David was face to face with a problem that had no good solution. If he let the truth be known, his reputation and his leadership would be in question. Think of what would happen if the president of the United States committed adultery with someone else's wife. David knew that this scandal would be devastating for him and for Bathsheba. The law of Moses went so far as to claim that they were both guilty of death. David's affair took him into a direction that left him with bad choices.
One of my students confessed to the class that as a youth pastor she got pregnant before marriage and was left with the decision of letting the teens know that what she said about remaining virgins until marriage was not something she was capable of doing or aborting the child. She honestly thought that she was protecting her testimony of Christ by choosing to have an abortion. She regretted having the abortion.
My student didn't commit adultery with anyone married, but she was left with the same dilemma as those who commit adultery. She had big consequences with no easy solution to them.
King David had no easy way out and made bad decisions to cover up his affair.
Covering up ongoing or past affairs easily becomes an unforeseen monster that will drive you to lie and to hurt others as well as hurt yourself. In the end, you will regret your actions.
The early chapters of Proverbs addresses adultery and its consequences. Being a man's world, Proverbs talks like men who give in to adultery are victims of the type of women who have no shame. In reality, it is true for male or female, for anyone of either sex considering or partaking in adultery. Proverbs 7:27 says, "Her/his house is the way to hell, down the chambers of death."
Contrary to popular belief, Bathsheba was not on her roof taking a bath. Jerusalem had public baths for ritual purity where people went to obey the laws of Moses.
Living in the tallest house in Jerusalem, David was able to look out from the top of his house and see a lot of places, including the bath where women and girls bathed themselves after having their periods. For David, this may have been a form of pornography. David knew where women regularly bathed and on this particular day as night was falling, he saw one who captured his attention.
Of course some religious people prefer to think of heroes like David as being always pure and holy, except of course for a moment of weakness which was completely not like David's norm. David's moment of weakness was very temporary and ended up with another moment of weakness when he had Bathsheba's husband killed to cover up his first moment of weakness. They will think that somehow David happened by accident to look at the place where women took baths - a place that he never realized existed until that one moment.
In this case, it doesn't matter if David had one moment of weakness or if he looked at the bath on a more regular basis. What does matter is that David did give into temptation and did commit adultery with a woman who was married to someone else. Furthermore, to cover up his sin, and to protect his image, he killed her husband.
THE DILEMMA ADULTERY BIRTHS
When Bathsheba got pregnant, David was face to face with a problem that had no good solution. If he let the truth be known, his reputation and his leadership would be in question. Think of what would happen if the president of the United States committed adultery with someone else's wife. David knew that this scandal would be devastating for him and for Bathsheba. The law of Moses went so far as to claim that they were both guilty of death. David's affair took him into a direction that left him with bad choices.
One of my students confessed to the class that as a youth pastor she got pregnant before marriage and was left with the decision of letting the teens know that what she said about remaining virgins until marriage was not something she was capable of doing or aborting the child. She honestly thought that she was protecting her testimony of Christ by choosing to have an abortion. She regretted having the abortion.
My student didn't commit adultery with anyone married, but she was left with the same dilemma as those who commit adultery. She had big consequences with no easy solution to them.
King David had no easy way out and made bad decisions to cover up his affair.
Covering up ongoing or past affairs easily becomes an unforeseen monster that will drive you to lie and to hurt others as well as hurt yourself. In the end, you will regret your actions.
The early chapters of Proverbs addresses adultery and its consequences. Being a man's world, Proverbs talks like men who give in to adultery are victims of the type of women who have no shame. In reality, it is true for male or female, for anyone of either sex considering or partaking in adultery. Proverbs 7:27 says, "Her/his house is the way to hell, down the chambers of death."
Saturday, May 30, 2015
Reuben's Regret - Genesis 35:22
While Israel was living in that region, Reuben went in and slept with his father’s concubine Bilhah, and Israel heard of it. (Genesis 35:22).
I have around 20 blogs, containing hundreds of writings. By far the most popular is one that asks why Reuben had sex with his step mother.
In the 21st Century Western world, what Reuben did was unbelievable; but in the context of his time and culture, Reuben was making a statement. In today's world, sex is either about intimacy and love or it is about dominance and hate (such as in the world of rape).
When Reuben had sex with his step mom; it was about dominance, hatred and revenge - not against his step mom, but against his father who had recently revealed to the entire family that Reuben (who was the first born and the expected heir to ruling the clan) was not the most important son. There was another who was more important than Reuben - For the father and head of the clan, Joseph who was the 11th son of 12 was much more important than Reuben.
Upon learning about this twisted preeminence, Reuben lashed out.
Centuries later when King David was thrown out of his own city by his son, his son raped 10 of David's live in girl friends (Concubines). David's son Absalom did this openly, publicly, on top of the palace in front of the entire nation. In today's world he would have publicized it and would have done it on TV for the whole nation.
David and Absalom lived in a war dominated society, so raping and killing was a part of dominating another group or nation. When Absalom raped David's concubines, he was telling the world that he was cutting off all ties to his father and that his father was powerless before Absalom.
When Reuben raped his step mom, he did it out of revenge without thinking of the consequences. He got caught up in his intense pain and hatred brought about because of a huge injustice done to him. He lashed out to even the score by raping his step mom; but he did not plan for all the consequences. Reuben was to angry to think clearly about his distant future. His father found out about Reuben's act.
For years to come Reuben's had to live under his father's leadership and control of the family. For years Reuben would take advantage of any opportunity to make up for what he did; but nothing worked. On one occasion he tried saving the life of his brother Joseph and bring him back safely to his dad, but his plans failed and as the unspoken leader of the brothers, he failed to protect Joseph. When the family faced starvation because of a drought, Reuben was unable to get his father to act in the best interest of the family. He simply lost every part of his father's respect.
Not only did he lose any respect from his father, for years his father never mentioned anything to Reuben about the affair. He held it all in and built a wall between him and Reuben until his deathbed, when Reuben's father poured out his anger toward Reuben. The day Reuben slept with his step mom, he lost everything.
There are several movies and TV shows where someone has an adulterous affair with another and things seem to go great for awhile. But eventually the other person, who was so good looking, turns out to be a stalker, a killer, or a certified whacko. In the end, the person who had the affair needs to protect his/her family from the person he/she had sex with.
I have seen this to a lesser degree, where a guy committed adultery with a woman who turned out to be very possessive and stopped at nothing to ruin his marriage. In the end, he was able to convince his naive wife that nothing ever happened between him and this other woman. But he only convinced her because his wife didn't want to face the hurt that the truth would bring to her.
Affairs are so attractive that they bring down presidents, preachers, and leaders. Affairs are so compelling that the finest, the most noble, and the most pious people in the world fall into them. But affairs carry with them unforeseen consequences that are often far more destructive than could ever be dreamed of. I have never talked to anyone who said, "My affair was the best thing that every happened to me." But I have run into many who have said one way or another, "My affair ruined me."
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)