Most of you probably know the story of King David and his affair with Bethsheba.
Contrary to popular belief, Bathsheba was not on her roof taking a bath. Jerusalem had public baths for ritual purity where people went to obey the laws of Moses.
Living in the tallest house in Jerusalem, David was able to look out from the top of his house and see a lot of places, including the bath where women and girls bathed themselves after having their periods. For David, this may have been a form of pornography. David knew where women regularly bathed and on this particular day as night was falling, he saw one who captured his attention.
Of course some religious people prefer to think of heroes like David as being always pure and holy, except of course for a moment of weakness which was completely not like David's norm. David's moment of weakness was very temporary and ended up with another moment of weakness when he had Bathsheba's husband killed to cover up his first moment of weakness. They will think that somehow David happened by accident to look at the place where women took baths - a place that he never realized existed until that one moment.
In this case, it doesn't matter if David had one moment of weakness or if he looked at the bath on a more regular basis. What does matter is that David did give into temptation and did commit adultery with a woman who was married to someone else. Furthermore, to cover up his sin, and to protect his image, he killed her husband.
THE DILEMMA ADULTERY BIRTHS
When Bathsheba got pregnant, David was face to face with a problem that had no good solution. If he let the truth be known, his reputation and his leadership would be in question. Think of what would happen if the president of the United States committed adultery with someone else's wife. David knew that this scandal would be devastating for him and for Bathsheba. The law of Moses went so far as to claim that they were both guilty of death. David's affair took him into a direction that left him with bad choices.
One of my students confessed to the class that as a youth pastor she got pregnant before marriage and was left with the decision of letting the teens know that what she said about remaining virgins until marriage was not something she was capable of doing or aborting the child. She honestly thought that she was protecting her testimony of Christ by choosing to have an abortion. She regretted having the abortion.
My student didn't commit adultery with anyone married, but she was left with the same dilemma as those who commit adultery. She had big consequences with no easy solution to them.
King David had no easy way out and made bad decisions to cover up his affair.
Covering up ongoing or past affairs easily becomes an unforeseen monster that will drive you to lie and to hurt others as well as hurt yourself. In the end, you will regret your actions.
The early chapters of Proverbs addresses adultery and its consequences. Being a man's world, Proverbs talks like men who give in to adultery are victims of the type of women who have no shame. In reality, it is true for male or female, for anyone of either sex considering or partaking in adultery. Proverbs 7:27 says, "Her/his house is the way to hell, down the chambers of death."
Sunday, May 31, 2015
Saturday, May 30, 2015
Reuben's Regret - Genesis 35:22
While Israel was living in that region, Reuben went in and slept with his father’s concubine Bilhah, and Israel heard of it. (Genesis 35:22).
I have around 20 blogs, containing hundreds of writings. By far the most popular is one that asks why Reuben had sex with his step mother.
In the 21st Century Western world, what Reuben did was unbelievable; but in the context of his time and culture, Reuben was making a statement. In today's world, sex is either about intimacy and love or it is about dominance and hate (such as in the world of rape).
When Reuben had sex with his step mom; it was about dominance, hatred and revenge - not against his step mom, but against his father who had recently revealed to the entire family that Reuben (who was the first born and the expected heir to ruling the clan) was not the most important son. There was another who was more important than Reuben - For the father and head of the clan, Joseph who was the 11th son of 12 was much more important than Reuben.
Upon learning about this twisted preeminence, Reuben lashed out.
Centuries later when King David was thrown out of his own city by his son, his son raped 10 of David's live in girl friends (Concubines). David's son Absalom did this openly, publicly, on top of the palace in front of the entire nation. In today's world he would have publicized it and would have done it on TV for the whole nation.
David and Absalom lived in a war dominated society, so raping and killing was a part of dominating another group or nation. When Absalom raped David's concubines, he was telling the world that he was cutting off all ties to his father and that his father was powerless before Absalom.
When Reuben raped his step mom, he did it out of revenge without thinking of the consequences. He got caught up in his intense pain and hatred brought about because of a huge injustice done to him. He lashed out to even the score by raping his step mom; but he did not plan for all the consequences. Reuben was to angry to think clearly about his distant future. His father found out about Reuben's act.
For years to come Reuben's had to live under his father's leadership and control of the family. For years Reuben would take advantage of any opportunity to make up for what he did; but nothing worked. On one occasion he tried saving the life of his brother Joseph and bring him back safely to his dad, but his plans failed and as the unspoken leader of the brothers, he failed to protect Joseph. When the family faced starvation because of a drought, Reuben was unable to get his father to act in the best interest of the family. He simply lost every part of his father's respect.
Not only did he lose any respect from his father, for years his father never mentioned anything to Reuben about the affair. He held it all in and built a wall between him and Reuben until his deathbed, when Reuben's father poured out his anger toward Reuben. The day Reuben slept with his step mom, he lost everything.
There are several movies and TV shows where someone has an adulterous affair with another and things seem to go great for awhile. But eventually the other person, who was so good looking, turns out to be a stalker, a killer, or a certified whacko. In the end, the person who had the affair needs to protect his/her family from the person he/she had sex with.
I have seen this to a lesser degree, where a guy committed adultery with a woman who turned out to be very possessive and stopped at nothing to ruin his marriage. In the end, he was able to convince his naive wife that nothing ever happened between him and this other woman. But he only convinced her because his wife didn't want to face the hurt that the truth would bring to her.
Affairs are so attractive that they bring down presidents, preachers, and leaders. Affairs are so compelling that the finest, the most noble, and the most pious people in the world fall into them. But affairs carry with them unforeseen consequences that are often far more destructive than could ever be dreamed of. I have never talked to anyone who said, "My affair was the best thing that every happened to me." But I have run into many who have said one way or another, "My affair ruined me."
Amnon's Crush - 2 Samuel 13
Amnon was one of David's many sons from several wives. We expect that there might be some issues in the house because 1 Kings 1:6 leads us to believe that David had little to do with his children. Sure enough 2 Samuel 13 starts us out on some of his family issues.
Amnon was probably a spoiled kid who had servants tend to his every whim, after all he was royalty. So Amnon was used to getting what he wanted until one day when he realized how much he wanted a half sister, Tamar.
His desire for her turned quickly into an obsession so bad that it threw him into utter depression. Seeing this his friend pumped him for information, and knowing why Amnon was so depressed, his friend gave Amnon a plan to help him get what he wanted, so through cunning, Amnon trapped Tamar in his own room and raped her.
Having got what he so desired; his passion turned ugly and he wanted nothing more to do with his sister who's life was ruined for having been raped, and everybody knowing it, no man would have her. His obsession for his sister turned into hatred after he got what he wanted.
What a mess!
What was going on in this guy's head? Is this something real people today do?
Nobody has ever come to me and told me anything like this; but it seems all to human. There are people obsessed with what they can never have and there are people who, once they get the object of their desire, lose interest; so this may be more common than I realize.
I know that in my dating years there was a girl or two I liked until they liked me back; and as soon as they showed like interest, I lost interest in them. I never went beyond simple talking, so no one was seriously hurt. But why was I interested until they were interested in me? Somehow these girls were far more attractive when they were unreachable.
1. It may be that I loved the pursuit itself more than the girl involved.
2. It may be that I lost respect for them when I saw how easily they fell into my charm. Some joker somewhere said that "If someone likes me, there must be something wrong with them."
Whatever the reason in my case, I can only read similar feelings into Amnon (even though his feelings were far more intense than mine were). So maybe he was in love with the idea of pursuing his step sister more than he was with her; and once he accomplished his goal, she meant nothing but a mistake to him.
CONCLUSIONS
His was a nasty act. He ruined a girl's life for his own passion and goal to conquer. I don't think he thought about that before he raped her - in fact, all he could think about was his need to have sex with his step sister.
Adultery is like that. Most people don't think of or don't care about consequences. All they can think about is getting close to the other person.
When you are in this frame of mind, it is not good. Thinking about consequences is not a priority. Thinking about consequences is darkened by your need to get close to the other person.
If someone tells me they are thinking about an adulterous affair, I tell them to stop fantasizing about the steps up to and into the affair, but start fantasizing about the consequences. Think about what your world would be like after the affair. I don't know if everyone benefits from this, but I know it helped me a lot in my early days.
For me it was helpful to think about the complications and commitments, the trust lost in my marriage, hurt kids, hurt wife, my own disappointment in myself, and so on. Adultery comes with a price.
Amnon was probably a spoiled kid who had servants tend to his every whim, after all he was royalty. So Amnon was used to getting what he wanted until one day when he realized how much he wanted a half sister, Tamar.
His desire for her turned quickly into an obsession so bad that it threw him into utter depression. Seeing this his friend pumped him for information, and knowing why Amnon was so depressed, his friend gave Amnon a plan to help him get what he wanted, so through cunning, Amnon trapped Tamar in his own room and raped her.
Having got what he so desired; his passion turned ugly and he wanted nothing more to do with his sister who's life was ruined for having been raped, and everybody knowing it, no man would have her. His obsession for his sister turned into hatred after he got what he wanted.
What a mess!
What was going on in this guy's head? Is this something real people today do?
Nobody has ever come to me and told me anything like this; but it seems all to human. There are people obsessed with what they can never have and there are people who, once they get the object of their desire, lose interest; so this may be more common than I realize.
I know that in my dating years there was a girl or two I liked until they liked me back; and as soon as they showed like interest, I lost interest in them. I never went beyond simple talking, so no one was seriously hurt. But why was I interested until they were interested in me? Somehow these girls were far more attractive when they were unreachable.
1. It may be that I loved the pursuit itself more than the girl involved.
2. It may be that I lost respect for them when I saw how easily they fell into my charm. Some joker somewhere said that "If someone likes me, there must be something wrong with them."
Whatever the reason in my case, I can only read similar feelings into Amnon (even though his feelings were far more intense than mine were). So maybe he was in love with the idea of pursuing his step sister more than he was with her; and once he accomplished his goal, she meant nothing but a mistake to him.
CONCLUSIONS
His was a nasty act. He ruined a girl's life for his own passion and goal to conquer. I don't think he thought about that before he raped her - in fact, all he could think about was his need to have sex with his step sister.
Adultery is like that. Most people don't think of or don't care about consequences. All they can think about is getting close to the other person.
When you are in this frame of mind, it is not good. Thinking about consequences is not a priority. Thinking about consequences is darkened by your need to get close to the other person.
If someone tells me they are thinking about an adulterous affair, I tell them to stop fantasizing about the steps up to and into the affair, but start fantasizing about the consequences. Think about what your world would be like after the affair. I don't know if everyone benefits from this, but I know it helped me a lot in my early days.
For me it was helpful to think about the complications and commitments, the trust lost in my marriage, hurt kids, hurt wife, my own disappointment in myself, and so on. Adultery comes with a price.
Thursday, May 28, 2015
Good Intentions
There are different ways we get lured into the adultery trap. These are two of them that come to my mind.
1. A very common trap is arrogance, pride, or simple certainty that I would never cheat. I already talked about this in this blog stream. Even simple certainty is deceiving because we don't know our limits nor have we experienced every possible scenario. A lot of people who come to me for counseling were very certain they would never commit adultery because they were so much against adultery.
2. Another trap that is more common than it seems it should be is the need or desire to help someone else out. This trap hides behind good motives. You probably heard many times how important motives are and if someone means well, many faults can be excused. But meaning well can be a nasty trap.
I have heard this scenario on several occasions and faced it when I was in my dating years. Someone you may or may not be attracted to from the opposite sex needs you. They may tell you they need you or you think they need you. You want to help them out and you know you have what it takes to help them.
In my case, I dated a girl a couple of times and decided that although she was not someone I could get serious with, I could help her get closer to God. So I made plans on discipling her and casually dating her at the same time.
My first step was to take her to church. The service was nothing to write home about - it was okay. After the service a Navy man introduced himself to me and told me how he decided to disciple a young girl when he lived in Hawaii. In the end she dragged him down into a terrible affair. Now I never told him anything about the girl I was with, so I got the message loud and clear from God. Give the girl to God and let God take care of her. I took her home and never saw her again.
Years ago a young married woman who was trying to get out of the beginnings of an affair (she had not yet gone the distance, but was emotionally attached to a man who was not her husband) told me that the man she had fallen for needed her to help him with the break up. I told her to let it go and leave him to God. I told her my story and warned her about her good intentions. She did not feel right about about letting him go, but did let him go. Today she is happily married (as happily as marriage goes, I suppose) to her husband and does not have to deal with guilt or memories from an affair.
1. A very common trap is arrogance, pride, or simple certainty that I would never cheat. I already talked about this in this blog stream. Even simple certainty is deceiving because we don't know our limits nor have we experienced every possible scenario. A lot of people who come to me for counseling were very certain they would never commit adultery because they were so much against adultery.
2. Another trap that is more common than it seems it should be is the need or desire to help someone else out. This trap hides behind good motives. You probably heard many times how important motives are and if someone means well, many faults can be excused. But meaning well can be a nasty trap.
I have heard this scenario on several occasions and faced it when I was in my dating years. Someone you may or may not be attracted to from the opposite sex needs you. They may tell you they need you or you think they need you. You want to help them out and you know you have what it takes to help them.
In my case, I dated a girl a couple of times and decided that although she was not someone I could get serious with, I could help her get closer to God. So I made plans on discipling her and casually dating her at the same time.
My first step was to take her to church. The service was nothing to write home about - it was okay. After the service a Navy man introduced himself to me and told me how he decided to disciple a young girl when he lived in Hawaii. In the end she dragged him down into a terrible affair. Now I never told him anything about the girl I was with, so I got the message loud and clear from God. Give the girl to God and let God take care of her. I took her home and never saw her again.
Years ago a young married woman who was trying to get out of the beginnings of an affair (she had not yet gone the distance, but was emotionally attached to a man who was not her husband) told me that the man she had fallen for needed her to help him with the break up. I told her to let it go and leave him to God. I told her my story and warned her about her good intentions. She did not feel right about about letting him go, but did let him go. Today she is happily married (as happily as marriage goes, I suppose) to her husband and does not have to deal with guilt or memories from an affair.
I Wish I Would Have Married Someone Else
I friend of mine one time told me that he wished he would have stayed years ago with his ex girlfriend rather than marrying the woman he did.
What he said was wrong on two counts:
YOU WOULD STILL END UP IN STAGE FOUR
When my friend began dating this present wife, he loved being with his girlfriend. They both shared in the early stages of a romance, doting over each other and enjoyed growing closer to each other. But as time went on, those early stages of romance dropped off and the two became familiar to each other. Eventually they got married and in time his wife was not as special to him any more. She was looking for her own interests as my friend looked for his. They shared a house and two kids; but my friend began to miss the thrill of young love.
My friend's marriage was no longer exciting or special and when he thought back to another girl he had dated, he compared the two and realized that what he had now was nothing like what he had back then. Notice that he is comparing a stage 4 romance to a stage 1 and 2 romance, which is usually not a fair comparison, but then my friend never got to a stage 4 with his other girlfriend. If he had, in all likelihood he would be thinking that he should have waited for someone else.
If my friend were to compare his early dating life with his present wife to his past girlfriend, he may discover that his present wife was much better, more fun, and more exciting.
I think a lot of us forget the early years of our relationship. In my toughest years of marriage; one thought always helped me stay away from wishing I had stayed with an old flame, wondering if life would be better with her. As those thoughts creeped into my head, I revisited the first year or two of my dating experience with the other and realize that my present wife was a far better choice of the two.
I cannot know how it would have turned out with my old girlfriend if I had married her instead, so for me to compare my present wife to her is completely unfair and unrealistic.
THE GRASS IS GREENER ON THE OTHER SIDE
Another issue with comparing my present wife to an old flame is that I forget so much of what it was like with my old flame as I forget so much of what it was like with my wife in the early days. Furthermore, my memory of both eventually gets filled with present feelings. So my thoughts are filled with the arguments and disagreements of the present with the fun I had with so and so. The truth is - if I would have married so and so, in all likelihood, I would be in a rut just like this or worse, wishing I had stayed around for the girl I did marry.
DISCLAIMER
At present I do not feel like I am in a rut; but there were days in my marriage that both my wife and I had faced some very difficult times with each other. It was during those days that I kept back the temptations of dreaming about someone else, because I knew that I would face the same issues (or maybe different ones just as bad if not worse) given enough time with someone else.
I think too many people quit a marriage that could work because they want the early stages of a romance.
What he said was wrong on two counts:
YOU WOULD STILL END UP IN STAGE FOUR
When my friend began dating this present wife, he loved being with his girlfriend. They both shared in the early stages of a romance, doting over each other and enjoyed growing closer to each other. But as time went on, those early stages of romance dropped off and the two became familiar to each other. Eventually they got married and in time his wife was not as special to him any more. She was looking for her own interests as my friend looked for his. They shared a house and two kids; but my friend began to miss the thrill of young love.
My friend's marriage was no longer exciting or special and when he thought back to another girl he had dated, he compared the two and realized that what he had now was nothing like what he had back then. Notice that he is comparing a stage 4 romance to a stage 1 and 2 romance, which is usually not a fair comparison, but then my friend never got to a stage 4 with his other girlfriend. If he had, in all likelihood he would be thinking that he should have waited for someone else.
If my friend were to compare his early dating life with his present wife to his past girlfriend, he may discover that his present wife was much better, more fun, and more exciting.
I think a lot of us forget the early years of our relationship. In my toughest years of marriage; one thought always helped me stay away from wishing I had stayed with an old flame, wondering if life would be better with her. As those thoughts creeped into my head, I revisited the first year or two of my dating experience with the other and realize that my present wife was a far better choice of the two.
I cannot know how it would have turned out with my old girlfriend if I had married her instead, so for me to compare my present wife to her is completely unfair and unrealistic.
THE GRASS IS GREENER ON THE OTHER SIDE
Another issue with comparing my present wife to an old flame is that I forget so much of what it was like with my old flame as I forget so much of what it was like with my wife in the early days. Furthermore, my memory of both eventually gets filled with present feelings. So my thoughts are filled with the arguments and disagreements of the present with the fun I had with so and so. The truth is - if I would have married so and so, in all likelihood, I would be in a rut just like this or worse, wishing I had stayed around for the girl I did marry.
DISCLAIMER
At present I do not feel like I am in a rut; but there were days in my marriage that both my wife and I had faced some very difficult times with each other. It was during those days that I kept back the temptations of dreaming about someone else, because I knew that I would face the same issues (or maybe different ones just as bad if not worse) given enough time with someone else.
I think too many people quit a marriage that could work because they want the early stages of a romance.
Sunday, May 24, 2015
The Stages of Romance
Based on my experience and what I see in others, I conclude that there are generally stages in the life of relationships.
Stage One: The Chase
Pursuing someone else is oftentimes exhilarating. Uncertainty and hope permeate this stage.
Stage Two: Excitement
In stage one, couples are just beginning to get to know each other. There is a lot of excitement and hope in this stage. It's filled with unrealistic expectations and dreams of the future. Your relationship in this stage is based more on appearance and attraction than in anything of substance. Some would call this the naive time of a relationship.
Song of Songs is a book in the Bible that celebrates this time of life. It is filled with a man and woman's powerful attraction to each other. How the other looks - the appearance is mentioned a lot in Song of Songs as is the desire to be with the other and the desire to embrace, to kiss, and to fondle.
God had the book of Song of Songs to be included in the Bible and that tells me that this stage in a relationship is important and can be holy. It is often seen as a time of naivety and as a naive time of passion and feelings, it is a time to be celebrated in God's presence.
Despite years of attempts to calm down Song of Songs, there is a lot of sexual tension that takes place in the book. Some scholars have pointed out that there are a lot of sexual metaphors in the book; but even if there were no metaphors, the tension is there.
Stage Three: Getting to Know the Other
In time, the first stage quiets down. As the initial stage of attraction begins to die down, relationships either fall apart or continue into the next stage. There are a lot of reasons people continue into stage two. Some are good reasons, such as the beginning of love, but some continue for unhealthy reasons such as the fear of being alone. But in a healthy relationship, stage two is about being with each other and getting to know each other.
A lot of people quit because they miss the excitement of the first and/or second stage, or they begin to feel smothered, or the attraction just stops.
Stage Four: Settling In
Eventually, most people in a relationship settle into a long period of being together. They learn that their partner is a human just like them. Things that were cute and fun in the beginning may become annoying; there are fights and feelings of anger and frustration. There are feelings of things being unfair and feelings of things would be better if it wasn't for the other. But underneath it all, there is still love.
In stage one and two, each person is concerned so much with the other; but by stage four each person looks much more to their own needs and feelings. Some begin feeling neglected, disappointed, and unloved. As each person in the relationship begins looking more to their own needs, each person can begin to drift from each other.
More than anything else, at this stage a couple is held together most of all not by feelings but by commitment to each other.
WHY IT MATTERS
So why do these stages matter? The stages matter because the excitement of the first two stages with someone new lures people away from their spouses. During the last stage, a relationship can seem boring compared to a new found love.
The other reason these stages matter is because if you know the stages are a reality, you can more easily pass the temptation to start all over with someone else. Eventually, you will be in the same "rut" with that person as you are today with a stage four relationship - although some of you will never call stage four a rut, either because you are in denial or your commitment to the other has worked well. But with a 50% divorce rate, I think there are more who see stage four as a rut than who do not.
Stage One: The Chase
Pursuing someone else is oftentimes exhilarating. Uncertainty and hope permeate this stage.
Stage Two: Excitement
In stage one, couples are just beginning to get to know each other. There is a lot of excitement and hope in this stage. It's filled with unrealistic expectations and dreams of the future. Your relationship in this stage is based more on appearance and attraction than in anything of substance. Some would call this the naive time of a relationship.
Song of Songs is a book in the Bible that celebrates this time of life. It is filled with a man and woman's powerful attraction to each other. How the other looks - the appearance is mentioned a lot in Song of Songs as is the desire to be with the other and the desire to embrace, to kiss, and to fondle.
God had the book of Song of Songs to be included in the Bible and that tells me that this stage in a relationship is important and can be holy. It is often seen as a time of naivety and as a naive time of passion and feelings, it is a time to be celebrated in God's presence.
Despite years of attempts to calm down Song of Songs, there is a lot of sexual tension that takes place in the book. Some scholars have pointed out that there are a lot of sexual metaphors in the book; but even if there were no metaphors, the tension is there.
Stage Three: Getting to Know the Other
In time, the first stage quiets down. As the initial stage of attraction begins to die down, relationships either fall apart or continue into the next stage. There are a lot of reasons people continue into stage two. Some are good reasons, such as the beginning of love, but some continue for unhealthy reasons such as the fear of being alone. But in a healthy relationship, stage two is about being with each other and getting to know each other.
A lot of people quit because they miss the excitement of the first and/or second stage, or they begin to feel smothered, or the attraction just stops.
Stage Four: Settling In
Eventually, most people in a relationship settle into a long period of being together. They learn that their partner is a human just like them. Things that were cute and fun in the beginning may become annoying; there are fights and feelings of anger and frustration. There are feelings of things being unfair and feelings of things would be better if it wasn't for the other. But underneath it all, there is still love.
In stage one and two, each person is concerned so much with the other; but by stage four each person looks much more to their own needs and feelings. Some begin feeling neglected, disappointed, and unloved. As each person in the relationship begins looking more to their own needs, each person can begin to drift from each other.
More than anything else, at this stage a couple is held together most of all not by feelings but by commitment to each other.
WHY IT MATTERS
So why do these stages matter? The stages matter because the excitement of the first two stages with someone new lures people away from their spouses. During the last stage, a relationship can seem boring compared to a new found love.
The other reason these stages matter is because if you know the stages are a reality, you can more easily pass the temptation to start all over with someone else. Eventually, you will be in the same "rut" with that person as you are today with a stage four relationship - although some of you will never call stage four a rut, either because you are in denial or your commitment to the other has worked well. But with a 50% divorce rate, I think there are more who see stage four as a rut than who do not.
Saturday, May 23, 2015
Why Don't I Feel Guilty?
At 19 years old, I was only a Christian for less than a year. After I had co-led a Bible Study, a young man came up to me and asked to talk to me in private. In another room, he told me that he had an affair with another man and it was bothering him.
What was bothering him was not that he had the affair, but that he didn't feel bad about it at all. So he was feeling bad that he didn't feel bad. I have seen this same issue with other Christians as well. A married woman has an affair with a another man and she feels good about the affair - really good. But then she torments herself with questions and doubts and feelings of remorse because she felt good about it. Like the young man, she is afraid that God doesn't care about her anymore.
Many Christians hold on to the idea that after affair they would feel terrible. They would feel terrible because they knew that if they had an affair, they would have disappointed God, themselves and others. People feel like if they have an affair then they would have disappointed their own standards and expectations of themselves. But when the affair happens, none of the feelings they expect to happen really take place. Instead of feeling bad, they feel good, and because they feel good, they feel bad that they feel good.
Yes, it sounds messed up. There are probably different reasons people are disappointed in not feeling bad. Some may feel like God has distanced himself from them. Some are just disappointed that their values were so distant from their actions and they expected some sort of emotional punishment for coming short on what they valued so much.
As I listened and then gave advice to the young man, even though I was a young Christian who had no training in helping people, I told him pretty much the same thing I would tell anyone today. "You don't need to feel convicted and guilty; you know what's right and what's wrong already. Furthermore, God has not abandoned you. Just put an end to the affair and get things right with God."
What was bothering him was not that he had the affair, but that he didn't feel bad about it at all. So he was feeling bad that he didn't feel bad. I have seen this same issue with other Christians as well. A married woman has an affair with a another man and she feels good about the affair - really good. But then she torments herself with questions and doubts and feelings of remorse because she felt good about it. Like the young man, she is afraid that God doesn't care about her anymore.
Many Christians hold on to the idea that after affair they would feel terrible. They would feel terrible because they knew that if they had an affair, they would have disappointed God, themselves and others. People feel like if they have an affair then they would have disappointed their own standards and expectations of themselves. But when the affair happens, none of the feelings they expect to happen really take place. Instead of feeling bad, they feel good, and because they feel good, they feel bad that they feel good.
Yes, it sounds messed up. There are probably different reasons people are disappointed in not feeling bad. Some may feel like God has distanced himself from them. Some are just disappointed that their values were so distant from their actions and they expected some sort of emotional punishment for coming short on what they valued so much.
As I listened and then gave advice to the young man, even though I was a young Christian who had no training in helping people, I told him pretty much the same thing I would tell anyone today. "You don't need to feel convicted and guilty; you know what's right and what's wrong already. Furthermore, God has not abandoned you. Just put an end to the affair and get things right with God."
Everyone Is Having an Affair
She walked into my office and told me that she was sure her husband was having an affair with another man, but as she continued to pour out her reasons she believed this was true, she mentioned that her best friend was also having an affair.
By the end or our conversation, I concluded from her evidence that neither her friend nor her husband were in the midst of affairs. Not that these others couldn't or would never have affairs (I have long since concluded that anyone can be dragged into affairs under the right circumstances). It was just that she talked to me out of what I call "Looking through the Log."
In the Sermon on the Mount, Jesus said:
“And why worry about a speck in your friend’s eye when you have a log in your own? How can you think of saying to your friend, ‘Let me help you get rid of that speck in your eye,’ when you can’t see past the log in your own eye? Hypocrite! First get rid of the log in your own eye; then you will see well enough to deal with the speck in your friend’s eye (Matthew 7:3-5).
When people have a log in their eyes, they only see the log and begin seeing it everywhere they go. It turns out that the lady who told me about her husband and her friend had an affair with the man she accused her husband of having an affair with. She was obsessing about affairs because she was struggling with guilt from having had an affair with her husband's friend.
When Ted Haggard was filmed for a movie about Bible Camp, he railed against homosexuality because he was struggling with and giving himself over to homosexuality. His standards told him that homosexuality was wrong, but he couldn't live up to his standards, so he fought it in others. Jimmy Swaggart did the same with prostitutes and pornography. While constantly railing against porn and fornication, he himself was steeped in it. He likewise could not live up to his own standards for himself and fought it in others, even to the point of ruining another preacher's career who had issues with fornication far less intense than Jimmy's.
These are just a couple of examples of a pattern of behavior from many people who see in others the struggle they are dealing with themselves. What they see may sometimes be real, but they just see it a lot more than people who aren't looking through some log in their eye.
Jesus' solution to this issue was to tell people to to stop judging and trying to help other people fix their problems until they first remove the problems they are dealing with. To put it another way, if all you see is people having affairs, deal first of all with the affair you had. When your own issue is worked out, then you can help others deal with theirs.
By the end or our conversation, I concluded from her evidence that neither her friend nor her husband were in the midst of affairs. Not that these others couldn't or would never have affairs (I have long since concluded that anyone can be dragged into affairs under the right circumstances). It was just that she talked to me out of what I call "Looking through the Log."
In the Sermon on the Mount, Jesus said:
“And why worry about a speck in your friend’s eye when you have a log in your own? How can you think of saying to your friend, ‘Let me help you get rid of that speck in your eye,’ when you can’t see past the log in your own eye? Hypocrite! First get rid of the log in your own eye; then you will see well enough to deal with the speck in your friend’s eye (Matthew 7:3-5).
When people have a log in their eyes, they only see the log and begin seeing it everywhere they go. It turns out that the lady who told me about her husband and her friend had an affair with the man she accused her husband of having an affair with. She was obsessing about affairs because she was struggling with guilt from having had an affair with her husband's friend.
When Ted Haggard was filmed for a movie about Bible Camp, he railed against homosexuality because he was struggling with and giving himself over to homosexuality. His standards told him that homosexuality was wrong, but he couldn't live up to his standards, so he fought it in others. Jimmy Swaggart did the same with prostitutes and pornography. While constantly railing against porn and fornication, he himself was steeped in it. He likewise could not live up to his own standards for himself and fought it in others, even to the point of ruining another preacher's career who had issues with fornication far less intense than Jimmy's.
These are just a couple of examples of a pattern of behavior from many people who see in others the struggle they are dealing with themselves. What they see may sometimes be real, but they just see it a lot more than people who aren't looking through some log in their eye.
Jesus' solution to this issue was to tell people to to stop judging and trying to help other people fix their problems until they first remove the problems they are dealing with. To put it another way, if all you see is people having affairs, deal first of all with the affair you had. When your own issue is worked out, then you can help others deal with theirs.
Thursday, May 21, 2015
I Don't Like Doing What I Like Doing
The last part of Romans 7 records Paul's struggle with his desires and actions against God's demands. Paul knows what God demands for us and realizes that he cannot live up to God's demands. He wants to follow in step with God, but does not. And because he cannot keep up with what he knows to be right, he considers himself a miserable wreck. In the end, he finds his hope, not in trying to live up to God's standards, but by simply following Christ.
This struggle is something most of us face. We are given rules and standards from society, from parents, from our faith, and from within us. We accept those rules and standards and believe that everyone including ourselves should live by them, but like the Pharisees of old, we hold on to higher standards than we can or do follow ourselves. This creates a dilemma. What are we to do?
Different people deal with this struggle in different ways, but some of the more popular ways are as follows.
BEAT YOURSELF UP
I know I can live up to a higher standard, but I just screwed up. Ugh!
I am so stupid sometimes!
I can't stand doing that!
I am better than this!
Why do I do this?
JUSTIFY OR MAKE EXCUSES FOR YOUR BEHAVIOR
He deserved that.
God wants me happy.
There's nothing wrong with this.
Others are doing it.
I deserve a break.
I am not hurting anyone.
What my husband/wife doesn't know won't hurt him/her.
DENIAL
I'll be better next time.
I would never do such and such.
In all of these, there is a standard that is set but not met. We find different ways to deal with those standards, but it all comes down to one thing - no matter how good we are, whether our standards are based on the Bible, or based on our upbringing, or based on society's written and unwritten rules,
we cannot and do not always live up to those standards.
THE GREAT DISCONNECT
The Great Disconnect is the result of someone convincing himself that because he values a standard so much (whether Bible, society, upbringing - usually all three combined) that he is a better person than he really is. The religious leaders of Jesus day did this. They valued the Law of Moses so much that they believed they were somehow better at following it than they really were. Jesus called them hypocrites because they became actors who could put on a great show in public; but inwardly they did not match what was going on publicly. Their love of the Bible masked the reality that they fell short of the Bible's standards.
I AM BETTER THAN THAT
Recently in the media 2 different people have made apologies to others saying in effect, "I am better than what I did." And "That wasn't who I am." They implied that their actions in stress and temporary anger did not define who they were. They implied that the person who did a stupid thing out of anger was not them - it was someone else. Their view of who they are and what the standards they hold on to did not match what they did. Call this split personality; call this temporary insanity; call this what you may, but it is not taking responsibility; it is not accepting the truth; it is denial; it is the inability to accept the fact that "I am capable of evil." Both of these people defined themselves on what they believed in more than what they did.
I call this the great disconnect.
HOW THE GREAT DISCONNECT SETS US UP FOR DISASTER
If I believe that I am better than I am, I set myself up for those rare moments in life when the worst of me can surface.
This struggle is something most of us face. We are given rules and standards from society, from parents, from our faith, and from within us. We accept those rules and standards and believe that everyone including ourselves should live by them, but like the Pharisees of old, we hold on to higher standards than we can or do follow ourselves. This creates a dilemma. What are we to do?
Different people deal with this struggle in different ways, but some of the more popular ways are as follows.
BEAT YOURSELF UP
I know I can live up to a higher standard, but I just screwed up. Ugh!
I am so stupid sometimes!
I can't stand doing that!
I am better than this!
Why do I do this?
JUSTIFY OR MAKE EXCUSES FOR YOUR BEHAVIOR
He deserved that.
God wants me happy.
There's nothing wrong with this.
Others are doing it.
I deserve a break.
I am not hurting anyone.
What my husband/wife doesn't know won't hurt him/her.
DENIAL
I'll be better next time.
I would never do such and such.
In all of these, there is a standard that is set but not met. We find different ways to deal with those standards, but it all comes down to one thing - no matter how good we are, whether our standards are based on the Bible, or based on our upbringing, or based on society's written and unwritten rules,
we cannot and do not always live up to those standards.
THE GREAT DISCONNECT
The Great Disconnect is the result of someone convincing himself that because he values a standard so much (whether Bible, society, upbringing - usually all three combined) that he is a better person than he really is. The religious leaders of Jesus day did this. They valued the Law of Moses so much that they believed they were somehow better at following it than they really were. Jesus called them hypocrites because they became actors who could put on a great show in public; but inwardly they did not match what was going on publicly. Their love of the Bible masked the reality that they fell short of the Bible's standards.
I AM BETTER THAN THAT
Recently in the media 2 different people have made apologies to others saying in effect, "I am better than what I did." And "That wasn't who I am." They implied that their actions in stress and temporary anger did not define who they were. They implied that the person who did a stupid thing out of anger was not them - it was someone else. Their view of who they are and what the standards they hold on to did not match what they did. Call this split personality; call this temporary insanity; call this what you may, but it is not taking responsibility; it is not accepting the truth; it is denial; it is the inability to accept the fact that "I am capable of evil." Both of these people defined themselves on what they believed in more than what they did.
I call this the great disconnect.
HOW THE GREAT DISCONNECT SETS US UP FOR DISASTER
If I believe that I am better than I am, I set myself up for those rare moments in life when the worst of me can surface.
Monday, May 18, 2015
Will God Deliver Me from Sexual Feelings?
When I became a Christian some of my habits and desires dropped away as I quit drugs, smoking, swearing and a few other things. I expected my sexual urges to likewise fall in step with my other departing habits, but they never did leave.
So after some time I began to compare my habits and sexual urges to Israel's conquering the Promised Land. They took one city after another until one day they quit with Canaanite villages left to conquer. Judges 2 says that God left these nations to keep testing Israel. So I figured sexual desires were left in my life to test my faith over and over again.
As the years passed I came to realize that there are different types of habits; some are artificial and created from outside forces; such as drugs and cigarettes. Others are tied to a part of our DNA. Sexual desire begins from something within. We are born with it and it comes to the surface during puberty. Habits that develop from the sexual urge are different than habits that arise from outside influence in that one comes from within and the other comes from without. I don't know if this is scientifically proven or even tested; but it just made sense to me.
In my limited experience I have concluded that the habits we build from the inner sexual desires are not the same as other habits that come from without, and they are much harder to get rid of. I quit a 4 year smoking habit and never looked back. I did not regret it or desire to have a cigarette since November 1971. But I know others have quit cigarettes and struggle for months afterward. I think drinking and drugs are the same. I just know in my life every habit born from without was kicked and out of my life within weeks of becoming Christian. And I know that issues surrounding sex have been different.
Like Israel with the Canaanites, I had to struggle with those things that were born from within even after taking the Promised Land.
Am I saying that sexual feelings are evil? Not by any means. Sexual urges are a part of our DNA, created by God for the continuance of the human race. But our desires can surface in strange or different ways that do not fit in with what society or even our own judgments deem acceptable:
Homosexuality
Pornography
Fantasies
Pedophilia
Sex Addiction
Erotic Asphyxiation
Exhibitionism
Fetishism
Masochism
Sadism
Voyeurism
And dozens of other directions desires take us or rather that we fall into.
One of my students told me that he knew someone who was delivered from sexual feelings for children (Pedophilia). Others would have us to believe that feelings for the same sex are taken away by a miracle of God. Is this possible?
I tend to think this would be like the Israelites in the days of the Judges saying to each other, "There are no Canaanites among us," when in fact, there are droves of them still there, just waiting for the right time to surface and take what they consider to be rightfully theirs. The people of God may be tricked into thinking there are no Canaanites because the Canaanites are not presently stirring up trouble. They may believe there are no Canaanites because they don't want them to be there; but the truth is, they are there and they will surface in their own time and if the Israelites would not prepare for that day, they would certainly face terrible consequences.
When Satan left Jesus after temptation in the desert, he only left him only for awhile until the time was more convenient (Luke 4:13). Temptation will come to all of us and we need to prepare for the day of temptation rather than let it hit us by surprise.
So after some time I began to compare my habits and sexual urges to Israel's conquering the Promised Land. They took one city after another until one day they quit with Canaanite villages left to conquer. Judges 2 says that God left these nations to keep testing Israel. So I figured sexual desires were left in my life to test my faith over and over again.
As the years passed I came to realize that there are different types of habits; some are artificial and created from outside forces; such as drugs and cigarettes. Others are tied to a part of our DNA. Sexual desire begins from something within. We are born with it and it comes to the surface during puberty. Habits that develop from the sexual urge are different than habits that arise from outside influence in that one comes from within and the other comes from without. I don't know if this is scientifically proven or even tested; but it just made sense to me.
In my limited experience I have concluded that the habits we build from the inner sexual desires are not the same as other habits that come from without, and they are much harder to get rid of. I quit a 4 year smoking habit and never looked back. I did not regret it or desire to have a cigarette since November 1971. But I know others have quit cigarettes and struggle for months afterward. I think drinking and drugs are the same. I just know in my life every habit born from without was kicked and out of my life within weeks of becoming Christian. And I know that issues surrounding sex have been different.
Like Israel with the Canaanites, I had to struggle with those things that were born from within even after taking the Promised Land.
Am I saying that sexual feelings are evil? Not by any means. Sexual urges are a part of our DNA, created by God for the continuance of the human race. But our desires can surface in strange or different ways that do not fit in with what society or even our own judgments deem acceptable:
Homosexuality
Pornography
Fantasies
Pedophilia
Sex Addiction
Erotic Asphyxiation
Exhibitionism
Fetishism
Masochism
Sadism
Voyeurism
And dozens of other directions desires take us or rather that we fall into.
One of my students told me that he knew someone who was delivered from sexual feelings for children (Pedophilia). Others would have us to believe that feelings for the same sex are taken away by a miracle of God. Is this possible?
I tend to think this would be like the Israelites in the days of the Judges saying to each other, "There are no Canaanites among us," when in fact, there are droves of them still there, just waiting for the right time to surface and take what they consider to be rightfully theirs. The people of God may be tricked into thinking there are no Canaanites because the Canaanites are not presently stirring up trouble. They may believe there are no Canaanites because they don't want them to be there; but the truth is, they are there and they will surface in their own time and if the Israelites would not prepare for that day, they would certainly face terrible consequences.
When Satan left Jesus after temptation in the desert, he only left him only for awhile until the time was more convenient (Luke 4:13). Temptation will come to all of us and we need to prepare for the day of temptation rather than let it hit us by surprise.
Friday, May 15, 2015
Why Am I Tempted Sexually?
THE EVOLUTIONIST POINT OF VIEW
I suppose there are many different Evolutionist points of view, but there is one dominant theme, which is survival of the species. Somehow through millions of years, we developed the capability to reproduce through the two genders copulating together. The sexual feelings and attractions that each one of us have are all a part of nature bringing us together for the continuation of the species.
One feminist Evolutionist I heard on the radio stated that evolution designed men to plant sperm in as many women as possible, whereas evolution helped women to become more focused on one man for the sake of her offspring.
The one thing that I would take issue with here is that women by nature are focused on one man. Life does not follow that rule. Women are not always - or even generally - attracted to one man. Some studies have shown that about 19 percent of women will cheat while 23 percent of men will. That's not a large difference in percentage. So I don't buy this feminist's argument.
From an Evolutionist point of view, I believe a more accurate view would be that both genders are prone to look at many for the purpose of continuing the species.
THE CREATIONIST POINT OF VIEW
God created sex for the continuation of the species. Jesus told his opponents that we would not be married in heaven but be like the angels. Jude (the brother of Jesus) quoted from the Book of Enoch and Jesus probably referred to the book when he claimed that the angels don't reproduce because their species never die. Humans, on the other hand, must reproduce to survive. Jesus concluded as the Book of Enoch states - angels don't have sex because their species don't need it to continue. When we die we won't need it either to live eternally, so there will be no marriage in heaven.
The Creationist and the Evolutionist agree that intercourse is designed for the continuation of the species. The only difference between the Creationist and the Evolutionist would be a matter of when all this was placed in humankind. The Evolutionist would say that this took millions of years to develop whereas the Creationist would say that God created us with the desires and the need to reproduce.
Any way you look at it, we are sexual by nature and that sexual attraction to others is in all of us. We are born with the sexual DNA that will come alive when we reach puberty. Because we are by nature sexual beings, we will by nature be sexually attracted to certain others.
I suppose there are many different Evolutionist points of view, but there is one dominant theme, which is survival of the species. Somehow through millions of years, we developed the capability to reproduce through the two genders copulating together. The sexual feelings and attractions that each one of us have are all a part of nature bringing us together for the continuation of the species.
One feminist Evolutionist I heard on the radio stated that evolution designed men to plant sperm in as many women as possible, whereas evolution helped women to become more focused on one man for the sake of her offspring.
The one thing that I would take issue with here is that women by nature are focused on one man. Life does not follow that rule. Women are not always - or even generally - attracted to one man. Some studies have shown that about 19 percent of women will cheat while 23 percent of men will. That's not a large difference in percentage. So I don't buy this feminist's argument.
From an Evolutionist point of view, I believe a more accurate view would be that both genders are prone to look at many for the purpose of continuing the species.
THE CREATIONIST POINT OF VIEW
God created sex for the continuation of the species. Jesus told his opponents that we would not be married in heaven but be like the angels. Jude (the brother of Jesus) quoted from the Book of Enoch and Jesus probably referred to the book when he claimed that the angels don't reproduce because their species never die. Humans, on the other hand, must reproduce to survive. Jesus concluded as the Book of Enoch states - angels don't have sex because their species don't need it to continue. When we die we won't need it either to live eternally, so there will be no marriage in heaven.
The Creationist and the Evolutionist agree that intercourse is designed for the continuation of the species. The only difference between the Creationist and the Evolutionist would be a matter of when all this was placed in humankind. The Evolutionist would say that this took millions of years to develop whereas the Creationist would say that God created us with the desires and the need to reproduce.
Any way you look at it, we are sexual by nature and that sexual attraction to others is in all of us. We are born with the sexual DNA that will come alive when we reach puberty. Because we are by nature sexual beings, we will by nature be sexually attracted to certain others.
Tuesday, May 12, 2015
Sin Is like a Lion
While I was in the Service, I overheard a fellow worker tell his friend that before he was married, he never would believe that other women could possibly tempt him. He thought he would never want to have an affair. But after a year or two of marriage he was meeting regularly with another woman.
His marriage belief mirrored my own, and although I never had an affair with another woman, there have been times I could have if I wasn't prepared for the possibility. The guy talking was not prepared for faithfulness in part because he never thought he would be tempted to have an affair. He thought being married to a good woman would keep his wandering eyes focused solely on his wife. But only a year or two into his marriage and he was already straying.
There are reasons this guy strays.
First, as mentioned in my last blog, there was a disconnect in his life. Temptation caught him off guard. He didn't think he would ever be interested in someone outside of marriage. His firm belief that marriage would bring sexual contentment was not a belief that was real. In time he, like most of us, found that others outside of marriage could be interesting and sometimes very attractive.
He didn't expect this to be the case and so he let himself follow his feelings. Perhaps as he flirted with the girl in question he thought he could stop it any time he wanted. Perhaps even as they began to embrace each other, he continued to believe that he would never go too far. But in the end he was playing with an untamed lion that he could not control.
We are all tempted. Even Jesus was tempted like us (but without sin). We all have sexual urges and those urges are like a lion that must be kept in line or else it will take over. When God warned Cain about his anger and jealousy, He said, "Sin is crouching at the door, eager to control you. But you must subdue it and be its master (Genesis 4:7).” The imagery is that of a lion crouching and waiting to rip and devour.
The disconnect blinds us to the lion that is there. In pride, or in sheer ignorance we convince ourselves that the lion does not exist in us, or even more, we convince ourselves that the lion is no more than a kitty and that we would never have an issue in controlling our urges.
In order to control our urges - the lion within - we need to understand that it is there and that we are not above failure. We need to know that within each one of us there is a lion that needs to be kept at bay. We need to understand that there is a lion and that the lion is not to be messed with, coddled, pet, teased, played with, or embraced. The lion must be acknowledged in order for it to be tamed and there are tools to keep the lion tamed, which will be addressed soon.
His marriage belief mirrored my own, and although I never had an affair with another woman, there have been times I could have if I wasn't prepared for the possibility. The guy talking was not prepared for faithfulness in part because he never thought he would be tempted to have an affair. He thought being married to a good woman would keep his wandering eyes focused solely on his wife. But only a year or two into his marriage and he was already straying.
There are reasons this guy strays.
First, as mentioned in my last blog, there was a disconnect in his life. Temptation caught him off guard. He didn't think he would ever be interested in someone outside of marriage. His firm belief that marriage would bring sexual contentment was not a belief that was real. In time he, like most of us, found that others outside of marriage could be interesting and sometimes very attractive.
He didn't expect this to be the case and so he let himself follow his feelings. Perhaps as he flirted with the girl in question he thought he could stop it any time he wanted. Perhaps even as they began to embrace each other, he continued to believe that he would never go too far. But in the end he was playing with an untamed lion that he could not control.
We are all tempted. Even Jesus was tempted like us (but without sin). We all have sexual urges and those urges are like a lion that must be kept in line or else it will take over. When God warned Cain about his anger and jealousy, He said, "Sin is crouching at the door, eager to control you. But you must subdue it and be its master (Genesis 4:7).” The imagery is that of a lion crouching and waiting to rip and devour.
The disconnect blinds us to the lion that is there. In pride, or in sheer ignorance we convince ourselves that the lion does not exist in us, or even more, we convince ourselves that the lion is no more than a kitty and that we would never have an issue in controlling our urges.
In order to control our urges - the lion within - we need to understand that it is there and that we are not above failure. We need to know that within each one of us there is a lion that needs to be kept at bay. We need to understand that there is a lion and that the lion is not to be messed with, coddled, pet, teased, played with, or embraced. The lion must be acknowledged in order for it to be tamed and there are tools to keep the lion tamed, which will be addressed soon.
Sunday, May 10, 2015
Adultery - Pride Comes Before the Fall
The best way to keep out of an affair is to be prepared for the day when you will want to have the affair.
Of course if you probably think you would never want to have an affair because:
1. You are happily married.
2. You love Jesus too much.
3. Your standards would not allow you to.
If you find yourself in any one of these or many other categories that tell you that you are safe, you are a likely candidate for an affair.
Your confidence is a mistake that leaves you most vulnerable. Because of your confidence, you will not be set up for the unexpected, and affairs often begin unexpectedly. The Bible says pride comes before the fall, and there is moderate pride in your believing that you are ready for anything that may come your way and that you don't need to take steps to protect yourself.
A good looking couple once stepped into my office looking for help. The husband did not consider himself much of a follower of Christ, and both of them agreed that the wife was a very strong Christian. They were coming to me to tell me that the wife had an affair and wanted to know why.
Her words to me were very clear, "I don't know what happened." Even after talking and listening to her in private for an hour (I did have a window on my door), she still had no idea how she, a follower of Christ, could possibly have had an affair. But as I listened to her, I saw that while being a great Christian, she set herself up long beforehand for the affair. Even while she told me in detail every step she took to get into the affair, she still could not see how the affair happened. She couldn't see it because she was so convinced that being a good Christian would and should protect her from falling. She believed so much in her strong Biblical values and knew that those values were good and right, that she made a huge blunder. She mistook her belief in values with the ability to follow those values.
The book of James addresses this issue. James saw that the Christians within his own group knew the Law so well that they became firm believers that they were protectors of good doctrine and the right teachings. Their devotion to knowing the Law and believing in the Law was so much on their minds that they neglected to see that they were not living up to the standards they believed in or taught to other people. They were like the preacher who speaks out against adultery while indulging in the same.
Believing in and holding to certain standards does not mean we live up to those standards. James says that believers in the Law who are justified before God, but doers of the Law. Believing so strongly in Biblical standards often blinds us to the reality that we are unable to live up to those standards. Somehow we convince ourselves that with minor exceptions, we are followers of the standards we hold so dear. I call this the "Disconnect."
The young woman in my office took no steps to protect herself from temptation because she was confident that she was a strong Christian who valued morality so much that she would never give in to immoral behavior. After all, she loved Jesus.
Of course if you probably think you would never want to have an affair because:
1. You are happily married.
2. You love Jesus too much.
3. Your standards would not allow you to.
If you find yourself in any one of these or many other categories that tell you that you are safe, you are a likely candidate for an affair.
Your confidence is a mistake that leaves you most vulnerable. Because of your confidence, you will not be set up for the unexpected, and affairs often begin unexpectedly. The Bible says pride comes before the fall, and there is moderate pride in your believing that you are ready for anything that may come your way and that you don't need to take steps to protect yourself.
A good looking couple once stepped into my office looking for help. The husband did not consider himself much of a follower of Christ, and both of them agreed that the wife was a very strong Christian. They were coming to me to tell me that the wife had an affair and wanted to know why.
Her words to me were very clear, "I don't know what happened." Even after talking and listening to her in private for an hour (I did have a window on my door), she still had no idea how she, a follower of Christ, could possibly have had an affair. But as I listened to her, I saw that while being a great Christian, she set herself up long beforehand for the affair. Even while she told me in detail every step she took to get into the affair, she still could not see how the affair happened. She couldn't see it because she was so convinced that being a good Christian would and should protect her from falling. She believed so much in her strong Biblical values and knew that those values were good and right, that she made a huge blunder. She mistook her belief in values with the ability to follow those values.
The book of James addresses this issue. James saw that the Christians within his own group knew the Law so well that they became firm believers that they were protectors of good doctrine and the right teachings. Their devotion to knowing the Law and believing in the Law was so much on their minds that they neglected to see that they were not living up to the standards they believed in or taught to other people. They were like the preacher who speaks out against adultery while indulging in the same.
Believing in and holding to certain standards does not mean we live up to those standards. James says that believers in the Law who are justified before God, but doers of the Law. Believing so strongly in Biblical standards often blinds us to the reality that we are unable to live up to those standards. Somehow we convince ourselves that with minor exceptions, we are followers of the standards we hold so dear. I call this the "Disconnect."
The young woman in my office took no steps to protect herself from temptation because she was confident that she was a strong Christian who valued morality so much that she would never give in to immoral behavior. After all, she loved Jesus.
Saturday, May 9, 2015
What I Know about Adultery
Am I an expert in sex and temptation? I guess we all are to some degree or another. When Eve and Adam fell, the temptation was knowledge - knowledge of sin. Adam and Eve were naive to sin in that they never experienced it and didn't know what it was or what it was like until they partook in sin. Then they became the first humans to experience sin and know what it was like. They became the first experts of something we all share in.
Have I experienced infidelity? No. I don't know what it is like to fail in my marriage because of adultery. That doesn't mean I have not been tempted; I have been.
Why should I write about adultery when I have not experienced it? I remember watching a lady on TV who claimed to be an expert on marriage. She made a boat load of money telling people how to have a happy marriage, even though she was on her third of fourth marriage. When asked about her track record, she claimed that multiple marriages gave her expertise on the subject. She was an expert because she had so many marriages? I thought that was a bunch of crap to say the least. If she knew as much about marriage as she claimed, she would have stayed in one happy relationship. I might even give her one failed marriage from which she learned to make a great second marriage. Then she would have good lessons from both sides. But I can't buy her line of reasoning that she so happened to learn how to make a marriage work, when she has never been able to.make a marriage work for herself.
Sure, there could be a lot she learned from being married 3 or 4 times. I could learn a lot from experiencing different affairs. I could tell you how each affair happens and every detail about the the steps to affairs. But I could never write about staying faithful and how to do stay faithful, because my standards would have failed and then I wouldn't be able to tell you to live up to or follow standards I believed in that failed me. I am reminded of the time Jesus was talking to the Pharisees and told them that they placed heavy burdens and rules on other people's shoulders that they themselves were unable carry themselves (Matthew 23:3).
At the same time, if I was above temptation or if I was unable to have an affair because no one else found me attractive; or if I only liked the types of women that were out of my league; I would not be able to share from experience what works and what does not work in keeping faithful to one person throughout life.
If I never fell headlong into an affair, what do I know about them, and why should I write about affairs as if I know what they are all about? I write about them because I have learned a lot from others who have had affairs or who were scheduled to have an affair. For years I counseled as a pastor, and the people I counseled opened up to me about their temptations and their affairs.
Some of these people had already had the affair and were coming to me for absolution and help dealing with the aftermath. Others were fighting the temptations to get involved with someone they should not.
I study patterns. Patterns are the building material of the soft sciences where there are few universal rules to go by. Although temptation and giving into affairs are unique to each couple, there are certain excuses and behavioral patterns that seem to be present in most if not all adulterous affairs. There are also patterns of behavior that people follow after the fall.
The following chapters in this blog which I will write are taken from these people's experiences, my own experiences, modern media (which include movies), and the Bible.
Have I experienced infidelity? No. I don't know what it is like to fail in my marriage because of adultery. That doesn't mean I have not been tempted; I have been.
Why should I write about adultery when I have not experienced it? I remember watching a lady on TV who claimed to be an expert on marriage. She made a boat load of money telling people how to have a happy marriage, even though she was on her third of fourth marriage. When asked about her track record, she claimed that multiple marriages gave her expertise on the subject. She was an expert because she had so many marriages? I thought that was a bunch of crap to say the least. If she knew as much about marriage as she claimed, she would have stayed in one happy relationship. I might even give her one failed marriage from which she learned to make a great second marriage. Then she would have good lessons from both sides. But I can't buy her line of reasoning that she so happened to learn how to make a marriage work, when she has never been able to.make a marriage work for herself.
Sure, there could be a lot she learned from being married 3 or 4 times. I could learn a lot from experiencing different affairs. I could tell you how each affair happens and every detail about the the steps to affairs. But I could never write about staying faithful and how to do stay faithful, because my standards would have failed and then I wouldn't be able to tell you to live up to or follow standards I believed in that failed me. I am reminded of the time Jesus was talking to the Pharisees and told them that they placed heavy burdens and rules on other people's shoulders that they themselves were unable carry themselves (Matthew 23:3).
At the same time, if I was above temptation or if I was unable to have an affair because no one else found me attractive; or if I only liked the types of women that were out of my league; I would not be able to share from experience what works and what does not work in keeping faithful to one person throughout life.
If I never fell headlong into an affair, what do I know about them, and why should I write about affairs as if I know what they are all about? I write about them because I have learned a lot from others who have had affairs or who were scheduled to have an affair. For years I counseled as a pastor, and the people I counseled opened up to me about their temptations and their affairs.
Some of these people had already had the affair and were coming to me for absolution and help dealing with the aftermath. Others were fighting the temptations to get involved with someone they should not.
I study patterns. Patterns are the building material of the soft sciences where there are few universal rules to go by. Although temptation and giving into affairs are unique to each couple, there are certain excuses and behavioral patterns that seem to be present in most if not all adulterous affairs. There are also patterns of behavior that people follow after the fall.
The following chapters in this blog which I will write are taken from these people's experiences, my own experiences, modern media (which include movies), and the Bible.
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